What can I say to change your mind?

Meep!

2005-05-18T23:15:00.000-05:00

One more. One more final. One last speech. Then it all ends. I finally get out of here. *does a little dance* My sociology teacher has already posted grades. My grade = 4.0. Yes! I'm waiting to hear back from my Psych teacher. I emailed him and never heard back. In fact I have emailed a few people and never heard back. Either my email hates me, or the people I am emailing hate me. Huzzah to either. */sarcasim*

I'm so thrilled that I have one more class left to take care of and then I get my AA. Graduation ceremony is Friday, but I am not planning on going right now. Because...well yeah. Will I regret it? Possibly not. Do I care? Nope. Why would I be going for memories and my family. I really just want to get my diploma. Really. I paid for the thing already and I have the cap and gown in case I change my mind. It is only an hour on a Friday. I dunno. Thoughts are welcome.

Mexico's Fox toughens talk on U.S. immigration law

2005-05-14T12:42:00.000-05:00

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Mexican President Vicente Fox called recent U.S. measures to stem illegal immigration a step back for bilateral relations on Friday and said Mexican migrants do jobs "that not even blacks want to do."

In comments likely to raise the temperature of the immigration debate, Fox defended the role of undocumented Mexican workers in the United States to a group of Texas business people meeting in Mexico.

"There is no doubt that Mexicans, filled with dignity, willingness and ability to work are doing jobs that not even blacks want to do there in the United States," he said in a speech broadcast in part on local radio and reported on newspaper web sites.

Fox said recent, tougher measures against immigrants do not represent "the road we should be building between friends and partners."

Mexico has been seeking an accord with Washington for years to make it easier for millions of illegal Mexican immigrants to live and work in the United States. The country expects to repatriate this year more than 250,000 foreigners, mostly Central Americans headed for the U.S. border.

Mexican hopes were raised early last year when President Bush proposed a temporary worker program but it has become bogged down in Congress.

A key partner in U.S. border security, Mexico is upset at new U.S. controls on foreign-born people, including tougher rules to obtain drivers' licenses.

Congressional Republicans attached the immigration changes to legislation providing $82 billion in emergency funds for fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. Bush is expected to sign the legislation into law soon.

The law, approved unanimously by the Senate on Tuesday, waives environmental rules to allow the extension of a fence on the border between California and Mexico to stop illegal immigrants. Mexico calls the measure "overly extreme."

But Fox said he was encouraged by a bill put forward on Thursday by Sens. John McCain, an Arizona Republican, and Edward Kennedy, a Massachusetts Democrat, to allow some of the estimated 10 to 12 million illegal immigrants in the United States to get legal jobs and eventual citizenship.

"I hope President Bush will support and push the initiative, as he has publicly agreed. I have to take his word and hope he delivers," Fox said.

http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050514/2005-05-14T032909Z_01_N13376712_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-MEXICO-USA-DC.html

A few of the things that I cannot get out of my head.

2005-02-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

For one thing, I cannot get the mental image of the dog out of my head. He was a huge black lab, as beautiful as they come. But the image that I see when I close my eyes is not of the beautiful lab, but of the puddle of blood that surrounds him; his own blood. His owner so shocked at the events that he cannot talk, he only picks the animal up and, covered in the dogs blood, walks over the hill with him crying silently. I spent most of Friday unable to think of anything else. I cried most of the morning and before karate. My dad could not understood why I cried so much. There are others who tell me that while it was tragic, the dog was not on a leash. I don’t care. That is no reason not to mourn the life that has been lost, even if it was a dog. Maybe I am just to weak, but I cannot help but cry for the man and his lost companion. It seemed like he had lost his only child.

I have been very moody lately, and I have had the swings frequently. I think I have been more polar in the last few months than I have been all year. Maybe you can chalk my sadness up to that or then again maybe not. I do know that I have not been the most pleasant of people to be around. I keep going to my classes and trying to be as nice as I possibly can, but I cannot be fake all day and I break. More than anything I just want to sleep and stop doing anything. You would think that I should be better by now, but no such luck. Maybe I have caught something else also, but the past week has just gotten more miserable for me. I think there is possibly two days this week that I did not have a nice little bit of throwing up. My side constantly hurts and I am too the point of just ignoring it so that I can get back to a normal routine, if it were not for the fact that a little pressure on my side causes me great pain. The best thing I have found to do about it? Lie. Tell everyone that this and that hurt it, and while they do cause more pain, that is not the full truth, because it hurts all the time. I think that I have excepted that pain though. It is me now.

I have been greatly agitated at a few people lately and their actions have skewed my view of everyone else. I am very hurt by something that is going on and it has been brought to my attention that I have been hurting others in my frustration. Which makes me feel like a vile thing. Not even a person. It is difficult for me to say to the people that I am sorry for being a complete ass. I tried justifying my actions and that seems to make me only feel worse. So I am saying it. I am a vile little creature and I should just take time away from everyone. But then again that won’t help with the original problem. I have no answers and I fear trying to deal with it a different way for fear of having another disaster.

Ramblings

2005-02-17T22:23:00.000-06:00

It’s beautiful, so beautiful.

The pain that races through my body, that is. Today was so bloody wonderful. I finally was able to go back to working out. No fighting yet, but so far things are looking good for me. I have little to no pain in my spleen area and that makes me practically purr in happiness. What could be better? It’s thrilling and wonderful. Soon enough the fighting will come back and I will almost be complete....almost.

So many weird things have happened today. I don’t want to type them up here. To many things.... too odd.

I did notice that you all had been sorely neglected in the past few days. So I am decided that I might just update. I am thinking out the new layout for when summer comes. As much as I love the power of the hotness that is the yes icon, I think it may be coming close to time for a change. I could make something really hot if I wanted to put my mind to it. Problem is, I don’t want to. Funny. I may not change it at all. Though it has come to bore the hell out of me. Who knows. Always good to keep up on the CSS skills.

I’m looking for a good place to post some of the things that I have been writing lately. Such as shot fiction and the like. I could post it here, but I am not sure that is the best of action. I would be posting openly on my crappy blog, unbeta’d fics. As much as I would love to share my work with you all, I am not sure that I would be willing to just let you rip me apart for my English skills. Or lack thereof. I’m not sure what to do. I am a member of fictionpress.com, but they have wronged a few talented writers that I know and I’m not sure I myself would be willing to deal with them. Plus there is the whole fact that they screwed with my friends. A lot of the stuff I had up there from years past was deleted anyway, so I am in a why bother stage. I only allow myself to get screwed over once. Or at least I try not to let it happen a second time.

I just had a great idea. Which will leave me off and running.

Happy Valentines Day...and such

2005-02-14T17:31:00.000-06:00

I need to figure out where everyone is tonight and if they want to exchange Valentines tonight or another night. Crissy and Akane I can nab at gung fu if need be. I know where Ami and Hotaru live. Cassie will be getting hers this weekend. So Yeah, need to ask the girls if they are busy tonight or if they just want to wait.

On a side note. My tummy hurts. I am going to go lay down a little before I call anyone.

Why you little...!

2005-02-13T19:18:00.000-06:00

Lots of odd little occurrences to talk about. First thing first. I decided to teach myself a new language. For fear of posting this and never doing it, I will not speak of it anymore past this entry unless I do not fail. Let us hope.

I went out to the half price book store and picked up a few new Freud books and some new mystery book. I also went shopping today with my mother. That was a whole lot of fun really. We went into the Bath and Body Works place and I found some smelly thing they sell there that I liked. We also shopped around >forever< for a gift for her boyfriend. I spent most of the day trying to figure out why the hell it was so important that we buy him something. Then somewhere around two pm she informed me it was his valentines day gift that we were trying so hard to find. What? Oh, when is Valentines day by the way? Apparently tomorrow is Valentines day. What the crap is that? I think I missed the memo once again on the caring front. Oh well.

Other things. I messed myself up again Friday and paid for it dearly. I am still feeling the pain in my side and they are saying it might fade. Might. Damn the back kicks for the pain they have inflicted on my poor, feeble spleen. That made it especially important to my father that he watch me at the seminar to make damn sure I didn’t do anything. *mutters* In all seriousness though, I wanted to leave or/and cry during the entire seminar. Why you ask? Think about something you love to do and then imagine someone telling you that for the next six weeks you will be unable to do it. Then imagine being told that it would be good for you to be there and watch by the person in charge. So imagine now, sitting on the sidelines, watching your friends doing the thing you love and you are not allowed to participate. You are allowed only to watch. For hours on end. I must say that it was not a pleasant experience for me. Though I have had a few people tell me that it is my own fault for getting sick. I’m sorry, I did not know that my bodies inability to fight off sickness due to a weakened immune system was my fault. Thanks for cheering me up. Asshole.

Cassie asked me to go to a movie with her tonight, but alas I was to pissed and hungry to attend. See the problem started around noon when my stuck lifter became a stuck valve in my engine. I don’t know if that means anything to anyone but it drove me crazy. Why? Because a stuck or collapsed valve causes the engine to shake like crazy. There were some other factors involved and some other people that I had a lot of anger towards...but I don’t want to talk about them here. Needless to say the poor Thunderchicken feels the pain of what my body is going through and has also, currently, been blacklisted until further notice. Which means that I have to drive that bloody Mustang which just pisses me off more. If my dad had bloody helped me when I asked my car would be fixed an this new problem would not have arisen. It just pisses me off to think of it.

Which I think calls for a good ff and a hot shower.

This is the swiss formula

2005-02-10T18:16:00.000-06:00

I have so much that I still need to get done tonight, but I just want to stop and take a break for a minute.

I finished my speech today. That was a train wreck. I was doing pretty good until the teacher signaled me that I had about a minute left. At that point I completely forgot what I was talking about. I thought that I had lost my mind. Everyone told me that my speech went well, but I had little to no conclusion and my heart was racing so fast that I thought I was going to die. At least I finished it thought.

Still waiting to get that test back, maybe next time she will grade the freaking things rather then making us stay and lecturing for the last ten minutes of class. That way I do not have to sit around and be bored for 45 fucking minutes. Do I need to mention that I am still pissed about that one? Which brings me to the point that I want to go smack Ami’s teacher around just for thinking she can be a bitch to my sister. One overdue ass kicking coming up.

I applied for a job today. I am not talking about where or any of that crap. I am not even going to say that I hope I get it. Whatever happens, happens. I would like the job for the extra cash flow, but I am not in need of a job. So there. Oh, I also went and got a Hardee’s burger today. I did not go to the Hardee’s we went to last night because they suck. I went to the other one and there is a funny story behind that too. I left karate came home and then went back over to 152. While I was on 152 I almost passed Ron who had apparently taken his sweet time getting in his car after class. Whatever it made sense in my head.

I finally figured out the name of the guy in my speech class that reminds me so much of BJ. John. That is his name.

It’s already 6:04 and I need to go out to Kansas. I really don‘t want to but I need to do it tonight.

Oh, here is a couple funny stories. I messed up on what day I was supposed to go to the doctor, it was supposed to be tomorrow not today. So I went to karate with no answers and feeling like a bloody moron. Then I decided that I was feeling great which meant that it would be ok for me to do katas with the other black belts.

Big fucking mistake.

I ended up with my heart racing and pounding in my ears. I felt really light headed and dizzy. So I sat in the corner and prepared for the onslaught to my mind. Soon the headache set in reminding me that what I did was very stupid

Lesson learned? Ask the doctor first. Don’t keep doing katas when you feel funny. The mats are made for falling on, use them in case of emergency.

I forgot my other funny story. You will just have to figure it out on your own. Make one up. Here’s a cookie for the creative process.

I have my pc back in full working order and I could freaking hug it. I love the way the keyboard and the mouse feel like they were made just for me. I also think that I am the only one who like the keyboard. It makes me happy damn it. I cannot stand the little keys on the laptop, they drive me up the wall. Plus the laptop doesn’t have the numeric keypad. Ugh! I need that man. It keeps me sane in everyday life if I have the keypad. Anyway we are one happy computer and user again, so no problems. Plus it will be getting upgraded soon so that is even better. It just keeps thinking of happier days when I use it more often. And here they are.

Looking around at different internet services. I am currently using my sisters, but I am thinking about getting my road runner back and taking this computer to my room. Then I would have high speed blogging and FF in my room and I could do all my reports there too. Sounds like a perfect combination to me.

I should probably get to working on all those things that I need to get done. I will catch up with a little deeper entry later.

You want me to do what?

2005-02-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

I'm ready for this speech. Really I am.

Ok, how about I have everything ready for this speech but I am never going to be close to being ready to give the damn thing? Ok as long as we are all together on that one.

My only consilation for the whole thing? Next week I have no speech class. Which means I do not have to get up earlier than 10:45am unless I feel so inclined. I think that he should give me a freaking cookie too.

So far no one guessed about the numbers in my post a few days back. I still have a cookie for whoever guesses it. I may even send a virtual cookie to people I don't know so that they can participate.

For those wondering next to the comments field is a linky to email me. So feel free on that one.

I'll write more tonight. Promise.

2005-02-09T16:56:00.000-06:00

I have had a headache for most of the morning. Which is a fun thing to have when you are going to the bank and trying to get some business taken care of. Yeah, because it is so easy to talk about CD's, maturity, intrest and APY's when you cannot even get your eyes to focus. Luckily, I'm so damn smart *cough, cough* that I blew through the conversation and suprised the lady with the ease I had of the everything. After some papers and some account switching (damn it not another number to remember!) I was finally out of there and on my way back home to Advil bliss.

While checking my email and chatting with Cassie I received an IM that threw me. Across the room. It was from someone introducing themselves. It was a guy named Chris who was 26y/o and did martial arts. Blah blah blah. He would like to chat with me. I almost died laughing. Chris? 26 y/o? Martial arts? I didn't respond, because I hate getting the nasty emails and IM's when I tell them that I am not single or looking. Apparently they believe everything that they read. They probably believe polititians.

I sat down with the laptop and the PC today. We think that it is time to update the PC a little. The laptop was a little pissy at first but it gave in after awhile when it relized how old the PC was. So now I just need to commit to what I promised. Yeah, right. Commit to doing something.

Ooo! Fun thought. I'm off to play.

What an excellent day for an exorcism

2005-02-08T22:20:00.000-06:00

I really didn’t want to get up and go to class this morning. I was having this wonderful dream about sleeping next to something that just radiated heat like the sun. Soft and warm...then suddenly my alarm went psychotic. I’m not sure what happened because it wasn’t the alarm so I just unplugged it. I wanted to go back to sleep with the warmth, but the only warmth I was getting from my blanket which wasn’t much. I decided in the end to get my but moving and go to school. I went to class today just thinking of all the snow that would fall tonight. It kept me slightly happy, the fact that it has to be cold to snow kept me slightly sad. It made little spots on my coat too. Damn it...

So what happened today? I spent most of my speech class playing on the computer. It is what we were supposed to do. I mean not the writing mail and commenting on people’s blogs. That was just an added bonus. It also gave me a nice persuasive argument, but I could not find anything on the topic in the database. I strike out again. Then I went to my Soc class. That was craptacular. She wanted us to take the test and then stay after we finished so that she could lecture. I fucking sat there for 45 minutes. We were not allowed to talk or to leave the room (not even for the bathroom). So I had to sit there and try and make up something to do. I thought about writing a letter to Cassie but then I would have to mail it to her and I dunno. I started one and I might finish it and send it someday.

I have a secret confession to make, I did not watch the superbowl.

Oh yeah, back to my day. I went to karate in the freaking snow. I was cold. Karate went pretty smooth until I nearly had a fight with Ron. The wanker wouldn’t let me demonstrate mat techniques. We were about three seconds from a cat fight because he and I are both very stubborn, but Ryan offered to step in for my sick self...if it wouldn’t piss me off. Not that they weren’t already taking bets on who would win the fight. So I guess Ron is now my...I don’t know what you call him, pain in the ass? He was right that I shouldn’t be out working on the mats, but he embarrassed the crap out of me.

Then I went to find my car under the sheet of snow. Went to the doctors office. Fish tailed my car a lot and watched people wreck right and left. I then decided that all my other plans for the day were cancelled and came home.

I’ve made dinner now, spaghetti with brownies for desert. We all enjoyed the warm meal away from all the snow.

I’m still a little creeped out by the kid with six toes. Oh! The Grand Master saw a thunderbird on the side of the road and thought it was mine so he gave me a ring to see if I made it home safely yet or not. He was going to go help if it was me. *sniffles* Awww! I guess he does like me.

Quickie

2005-02-08T09:04:00.000-06:00

It's snowing already. Nothing major, I just hope it keeps going. Squee!

I could have it all

2005-02-07T21:02:00.000-06:00

I have had to spend the last couple minutes putting my blog back together. A good portion of code turned up missing today. Will wonders never cease?

I killed street lights on opposite sides of the road simultaneously tonight. I killed two pairs of two. Plus there were three others earlier on which gave me a total of seven. I also killed my car three times today. This amuses me and if a friend can guess why these numbers amuse me, there is a cookie in it for you.

I installed windows in the house today. Who would have guessed that I could do them on my own and not screw them up completely? They ended up being very nicely done. Went pretty well with my paint job too. *smug look* Although once again I got white paint in my hair. I swear my hair picks up any hitchhiker on the road. I need to tell it the dangers of this action again, but I fear it will continue to ignore me.

I really need to go do some studying. I really just don’t want too.

It’s a complicated explanation behind all this weird behavior I have exhibited the past couple of weeks. Too complicated to get into here.

Anyone want to take a sociology test for me? I’ll give you a cookie? Damn.

Nothing in life is ever free

2005-02-07T17:06:00.000-06:00

I finished reading Digital Fortress. It was not very good. Before I was through the first hundred pages I already had the mystery unraveled. So I waited it out in anticipation that I would be wrong. No such luck. I was bored all the way through the first three hundred pages. Seems I am just hard to please.

I finished all that crazy homework I was talking about, funny thing is I made a huge mistake. Luckily it was in my favor. I am now ahead on my homework and chapter reading. Yay! Now I need to work on some questions and make sure I am prepared for that test tomorrow. Now that is going to be fun. The teacher has cut lectures short and I know more about her family than about sociology from her teaching yet I have a test tomorrow. Thankfully it is half multiple choice, half short answer. She said that she will be pulling a couple questions directly from the text to “reward those people who read their book.” Bullshit lady, it’s just to punish us poor saps who don’t read that book that you are so in love with. Possibly even those of us with bad memories. She told the class that she loves to take questions from the little boxes in the margins. I’m thinking of a word and it isn’t very nice.We also have to read a newspaper article that she will provide and answer questions on it.

In other news, my father is still not talking to me and there maybe a possibility that he broke his ankle. How grand is that? If I get out of this freaking test early I will more than likely go over to help him so that his happy ass won’t be working in the cold with a broken ankle. The man is crazy.

Cinnamon

2005-02-07T11:06:00.000-06:00

My car is currently covered in a thin layer of ice. I thought that maybe it was just the rain so I figured everything would be ok. Nope. I now have the choice of deicing my car by hand or letting it warm up and then hoping that the windshield wipers will work. Fun times! At least I got that homework done already. Two chapters and two chapter reports in under an hour. I feel so proud, or something.

I really just did not want to get up today. Pinched nerve in my back woke me up somewhere around seven again. I finally gave up on going back to sleep and took a shower before making some french toast for breakfast. Now, I just have to make it down to class and not kill myself.

I guess I will go scrape my car off. Where did my warm weather go? I can still hear the bell...

Ink smeared fingers

2005-02-06T20:47:00.000-06:00

So the accumulation of this week into this weekend has been a total of nothing. I have some homework I will do tonight. More than likely last minute the day I need it turned in. Not that it really matters.

I was chauffeur to my mother for most of the day today because she was in town. I didn’t really mind much because it got me out of the house. Why, you ask me. It’s a long story. Let me just say that my father has become pissed off at me because of recent events and has taken to ignoring my existence. Petty, it seems to me and only proves my point in the end. No matter though. I don’t plan to hang around here any longer than necessary.

You know I have always wanted to get out of here. I am sure people can tell tales of how I was always planning on going somewhere, anywhere but here. The thing that has always held me back is, how could I leave my family, friends and everything I know behind? Yet it has come to my attention that while I value those things, I may value them more than they value me. I remember Ami getting upset when I talked of leaving, which gave me a reason to stay. I don’t have that now. I am not saying that is the only reason to stay or leave, it is simply one example of many. This sickness has set back my plans slightly, but in the end setbacks are common and I must accept that things will not always go as planned. I will however, continue on the path I have started. Nothing stands in my way.

I read Angels and Demons today. I talked about it so much that my mother bought me my own copy and I finished it rather quickly. I am thinking about reading Digital Fortress next, because I own that also and it seems I should keep with the theme before I switch over. I also found a couple other books that have piqued my interest. One is a work on Dante and the other is Wicked, which was suggested to me. I will more than likely acquire them next. I will also have to buy or build myself a new bookshelf. I like the idea of building my own.

So many things on my mind, things that I really cannot type up here.

Silk

2005-02-04T22:47:00.000-06:00

Mmmm. Thoughts? Went to class today. That was interesting.

Wait, before that I spent the morning talking with the Grand Master. Have the answers to the questions I wanted. That works out great. Then I went to class. I’m not sure if SiJo was just being nice or what, but he told me it was great if I could come and help out the under belts. So I did. Actually I sat around and watched Marc try and figure out what the white belts knew. Jeremiah tried to help him. It was amusing. Anyway, I pretty much helped tell Marc what to do and sat around until Ron showed up. Class was pretty much over when he showed up and I felt, ummm... awful, because he had called me and asked if class was still going and it wasn’t by the time he arrived. Anyway, when Ron showed up he asked me to talk him through katas. Well, that was a joke. I just cannot talk anyone through anything, so I ended up going through the moves with him. It was laughable because I was not putting any effort into doing the moves. Haha. So after awhile I left him to do the katas on his own and I watched Akane and Crissy.

You know, I have nothing great to talk about and I am tired again(didn’t I just get up?) So Sleeps now.

This is just appalling.

2005-02-04T08:28:00.000-06:00

(CNN) -- A manhunt has been launched in Florida for a couple accused of torturing five of seven children in their home, including pulling out their toenails with pliers and keeping them so malnourished that they "looked like pictures from Auschwitz," authorities said Thursday.

Citrus County Sheriff's spokeswoman Gail Tierney said an arrest warrant was issued for John Dollar, 58, and his wife, Linda, 51 -- each of whom face one count of "aggravated child abuse/torture" for all five children.

The Dollars were the legal guardians of all seven children, although they were not their biological parents, Tierney said. She said the other two children were said to be "favorites" of the Dollars, and were spared their alleged abuse.

The case came to authorities' attention two weeks ago, when a 16-year-old was transported from the family home in Beverly Hills, Florida, to a local hospital. The boy was bleeding from a laceration on his head and there were red marks on his neck. He weighed just 59 pounds, Tierney said.

"That was just the start of the alarming parts of this case," she told CNN in a telephone interview.

Authorities went to the home and interviewed the rest of the children, including two twin 14-year-old boys who were so malnourished they weighed a mere 36 and 38 pounds -- the weight of a typical 4-year-old.

"To look at the photos I saw, it was just extremely unnerving," Tierney said. "They looked like pictures from Auschwitz."

The Dollars are accused of forcing the five children -- who ranged in age from 12 to 16 -- to sleep in a closet in the master bedroom with a "wind chime affixed to the door so that the Dollars would know if they tried to get out of the closet," Tierney said.

In addition, they are accused of using a cattle prod or some sort of stun gun to shock the children, bonding them to certain spots in the house with chains, striking their feet with hammers and pulling the children's toenails out with pliers.

"There was evidence of damage or missing toenails of these children," Tierney said.

She said it also appeared as if the Dollars tried to keep them inside the home as much as possible, and each child was home-schooled.

In the incident two weeks ago, on Jan. 21, Linda Dollar was out shopping when the 16-year-old boy was injured. John Dollar was home.

Tierney said investigators believe the husband grabbed the boy by his neck, raising him off his feet and then dropping him. The boy struck his head on a fireplace, causing the laceration to his head -- information that has been corroborated by the other children in the home, she said.

All seven children were removed from the home last Thursday and placed in the custody of the Department of Children and Families. The Dollars were to appear in court for a DCF hearing Monday. They never showed up.

Authorities believe they may be traveling in a 1996 black-and-gold Provost Marathon motor home with Florida tag number U06YAC. The couple may also be towing a 2000 gold-colored, 4-door Lexus with Florida tag number DH41D.

Authorities say anyone who sees the vehicle or vehicles should call 352-726-1121.

The couple moved to their Beverly Hills home last August from Hillsborough County, near Tampa. Before that, they lived in Tennessee with the seven children.

The children who were allegedly abused are a 16-year old boy; two twin 14-year-old boys; a 13-year-old girl; and a 12-year-old girl. The two who were not harmed were a 17-year-old girl and 14-year-old boy.

There is no evidence of sexual abuse, Tierney said.

That isn't a very original sin

2005-02-03T21:22:00.000-06:00

I think I need to start with an apology to Cassie. See, she said she would call me back and so I sat down with my phone to wait on the call. Big mistake. I have no idea if she called back or not, because I just woke up. So yeah.

I had a thought earlier today, the faith life seminar is supposed to be coming soon, or already happened. I really wanted to go to it. I cannot remember which weekend it was though. Also considering it is Thursday unless it starts next week, I am screwed. Oh, not to mention that whole falling asleep at odd times with no real control because of the exhaustion. I am sure you can see how driving to church and sitting through the service would not be good for me. I was going to ask Jeremiah about when it was, but I completely forgot to. I was just standing around in karate thinking to myself “just keep standing and everything will be fine”.

Which leads me into another thought. For all the people asking me which crazy frat boy I kissed to get sick, let me inform you what mono is. Infections Mononucleosis is simply what it looks like an infection that causes another infection that elevates the number mononuleite antibodies in the blood. You can check webMD and it will still give you a misconception label to mono. Anyway, these elevated levels of antibodies can come from many different places. One can have Epstein-Barr Virus, Hepatitis B, some cancers and a few others and this will also cause the elevated antibodies in the system and therefor you have mono. Simply what this is: the antibodies cannot fight off the secondary infection fast enough. That is why there is no antibiotic that cures mono. It takes weeks to get over and can sometimes take over a month. I originally got sick about 4 to 6 months ago. The mono did not start to show up until late December. It became full blown about three weeks ago. This is not something I “just got” I have had it for quite a while.

I am a classic case for the symptoms:
High fever
Chills
Sore throat
Swollen tonsils
Swollen lymph nodes esp. those in the neck
Aches
Fatigue and lack of energy
Pain in the abdomen caused by an enlarged spleen

The only things that can be done for this is sometimes they can give steroids to make the swollen tonsils go down if the case is so bad that the person cannot breathe or swallow. In my case this is an option if my tonsils do not go down within a weeks time. This is a last resort for most doctors because for the most part they do not know why the steroids work, they just do. They can also give a topical pain reliever that you can gargle to help with the sore throat. I don’t recommend this because the stuff tastes like bile. Literally.

Now, all that being said, there is a disease that is caused by Epstein-Barr Virus that is called mono and is commonly known as the “kissing disease.” This is passed on through mucus and saliva of a person who has mono or Epstein-Barr. This is the type of mono that you can only get once because it is directly linked to Epstein-Barr. And I have had mono before neither times has it been from the Epstein-Barr virus. I simply have a low immune system for a childhood disease that causes my body to be unable to fight off illnesses as well as the common person would. So it is easier for me to have something small become something big like it has done now.

So you can stop with the wicked fantasies of me making out with frat boys. I’m innocent of all charges. Call my doctor if you don’t believe me. Or ask Judy...she freaking loves to talk about all that stuff she learned in nursing school. >.< Be warned though, she’ll drive you barking mad. O.o’

Other things. I have lost my voice again. It makes me feel....pitiful.

It also makes me feel like I should not be a martial artist. I cried when I talked to my dad about this the other day. Literally cried. I am always sick, broken, or trying so hard to get my school work done that the martial arts usually have to take the passengers seat. I feel like the Grandmaster is very upset with my low immune system and my failure to protect myself. I mean really, I did maybe twenty kicks today and wore myself out. Why? Because once again I am sick. It really drives me crazy.

I wish I could get an honest opinion on this one from the Grand Master, but he sugar coats everything. I think that the only people who know the Grand Master and would truly be willing to share what he might really think, would be Brock and Jeremiah because they are like the left and right hand of the Grand Master. Wait, doesn’t he say Linda is his right hand? Nick is mini-Grand Master. Ok, so maybe they can only be feet, but feet are still very important.

This metaphor sucks, but I am sure you get the idea. Then again maybe not, that was a jumble of crap.

I’m tired, hungry, and sick. Please forgive me the sin of this entry. It is totally unedited. And alas, there will be more later.

Help?

2005-02-03T13:29:00.000-06:00

I was looking at my blog on another computer today and I saw that the text on the right column does not show up. Please let me know if this is true for you also. This is the first time that I have had that problem on another computer. Everything shows up really dark instead of shades of grey. Anyway, thanks for all your help!

This is how we overcome

2005-02-02T22:34:00.000-06:00

The cats have finally figured out the mechanics of the stairs. They were down playing under the deck, when I heard a terrible noise. I think something tried to attack them because they ran back up on the deck and Andy ran down to eat whatever had attacked his kittens. Apparently Andy also made a no running around in the backyard after dark rule after the incident because if they try to go down the steps he corrals them back into the condo. It’s cute really.

My mom called me to find out how I was doing. She was really worried about how sick I was. So I told her I was doing ok. Explained what happened at the doctors. Then she told me everything that I should do to get better and then asked me if I was planing on doing my normal martial arts routine. I told her that I really wanted to, but dad had said not to. Then my mom proceeded to tell me he was right. I think I have only heard her say that a few times in my life, and all of them have been times I wanted her to tell me he was just a blibbering idiot. Maybe this is just some kind of sign, you know? I mean I am always unable to train. Be it because I am sick, broken, or studying something always gets in the way. It really bothers me.

Something else that really bothers me is everyone talking about how my spleen could rupture. Not a big possibility at all, but still he has seen one case like that. That doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that I was sitting in the doctors office going, “Um...what the hell is my spleen again?” Total brain fart like never before. It took me almost ten minutes before my brain stopped stalling and finally turned over.

I still feel like an idiot though. How can I forget what my spleen is? It’s like that one time I forgot where I lived. I have lived in the same house for fourteen years for crying out loud. It’s not that difficult.

I’m so tired. My bed and I are not getting along right now though. I cannot help it, I just cannot sleep in my bed. I would much rather sleep on the couch. I’m not sure why, I just keep waking up every hour or so. Kitty insomnia at its best. It doesn’t help that the doctor and my dad were teaming up on me telling me that I need to sleep more. Well knock my ass out and I will.

Oooo, you know what. I am having myself some soup.

*title brought to you by the song that will not get out of my head*

2005-02-02T20:53:00.000-06:00

The Jesus pan. Find out more here.

Do a little dance

2005-02-02T20:06:00.000-06:00

That stuff the doctor gave me made it so that I can talk, a little, and that means I am in lots less pain. Squee!

King of the Blogs

2005-02-02T17:43:00.000-06:00

Vote here for In the Outer because he is a nice bloke.

Smite me oh mighty smiter.

2005-02-02T15:49:00.000-06:00

Well, the doctor called and left a message today that I should come in at one. Peachy. I have class from noon to two. So I went to class, a little pissy because I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and miss karate because the appointment is during class. Then, five minutes before class starts, a woman puts a note on the door. Class is cancelled. DAMN! Waste of gas. Then it dawns on me, I can make it to the doctor. A few quick (yeah right, I can barely speak. The conversation was a lot of “what?!”) phone calls and I am on my way back home. Drive from PV to my house, under ten minutes. Superman couldn’t have made it that fast.

After much talking about the other doctor and quite a few glances at my throat to make sure that it really did look like that, we had a verdict. Mono. Which is funny, because you can only get mono once, and I have had it before. They are supposed to run a blood test, but the doctor said that since the strep test came back negative, that is the only other thing it could be. It said he would save me the trouble of the blood test. (In other words, we’re so happy that you didn’t clock the nurse on the strep test, we really don’t want to poke you with anything else. )

So what do they do for mono? Nothing! >.< You just have to wait it out. Though he said if there isn’t improvement in two weeks I should call him and they will shoot me. Not with a gun, moron.

Which means no tai chi or gung fu for fear of someone kicking me in my enlarged spleen and causing it to rupture. 1) I just invented new verbs and 2) this is so gross! That is why I am not in the medical field.

Humor in times of darkness

2005-02-02T10:23:00.000-06:00

50 most loathsome people

This is great if you read these comments along with it.

There is a word I use for situations like this...suck

2005-02-02T10:16:00.000-06:00

So no official word yet, but I have to go to the doctor tomorrow during karate for blood work and such. I also am not allowed to work out at gung fu tonight.

I could cry.

I guess I will be getting more homework done, and being very lonely tonight.

So my choice is...Or death?!?

2005-02-01T22:31:00.000-06:00

I could almost (read the almost and stay with me people) cry. According to the skillful doctors, I may be taken off the martial arts circuit for up to two weeks. Que the horrible life events music. I find out for sure by Thursday and as early as tomorrow. If I do not get the call tomorrow before five pm...I’m not allowed to go to gung fu.

Wait that did it, I’m crying. I hate doctors. I hate getting sick. And I positively hate whoever gave this to me. Which by the way had to be someone close to me. We know for sure though that I didn’t get it from BeeJay when he flew in from New York.

Worse yet, they may want to do blood work. Meep! I hate people sticking me with needles and pulling the liquid of life from my veins. Especially if it isn’t my mom. I wish my mother stilled lived up here so she could give me my shots and all that crap. In all the years that she has taken care of my sick little butt, I have never hit her with my mean left hook. Which is more that I can say for a few other nurses. I’m like the nurse abuser or something.

How can they even think about taking my martial arts away from me? It’s not like I am dying...yet.

Ugh! I mean yeah I am sick but nothing horrible. I can still breathe, barely.
*Don’t read between here and the next bold if detail makes you sick* The only real thing wrong with me is that my tonsils and my lyphnodes are swollen. I mean yeah my tonsils are so swollen that are pressing against the uvula (that’s the hangy down thing in your throat) in the back of my throat. So what if my dad asked me if I was really breathing. No I’m faking it. Apparently no one thinks that I should be able to. *You may read again*

Which brings me back to the point of the person that gave this to me. Make a will.

Little Warrior

2005-02-01T13:49:00.000-06:00

I’m known for being quite oblivious to things so mostly it shouldn’t shock me when these things happen. It still does.

I’ve been in speech for four classes now, which totals up to five hours of sitting in the class. Today towards the end of the class I realized that my cousin sits in the row across from mine. >.< We rearranged our seats so that we could get in groups and now I sit behind him. I can’t believe my own idiocy some times. I bet he and my aunt are sitting at home cracking up about it. Oh, and I couldn’t speak so I really couldn’t say anything. I think I will wait and see how long it takes him to tell me I am a moron.

Samurai saved us all from the evil squirrel monster today. See we have bird feeders on the deck and the squirrels like to climb up and eat out of them. Every now and then a squirrel climbs up only to find my dad refilling the feeder. Rather than run away, the squirrel sat at the edge of the deck and barked at my dad. At this point little warrior Samurai realized that something was threatening his human, so he puffed up and ran sideways at it meowing.

But wait, it gets better.

The squirrel jumped off the deck and down onto the ground. And stopped in the grass, mocking young Samurai. Well, young Samurai decided to show the squirrel a lesson and ran off the deck, down the stairs and across the yard after the squirrel.

Still puffed up.

Still running sideways.

All the way.

Samurai later returned after he felt that he had thoroughly vanquished the squirrel threat. He then sat at the feet of his humans and his tiny little meow, declared his ownership and willingness to fight off any future squirrel threats.

This earned him a scratch behind the ears, a tummy rub, and a kitty treat. Which I think all where very well deserved.

And where was valiant Ninja during all this commotion? In the litter box. The entire time. I half-expected him to walk out with a newspaper tucked under his arm.

Instead he walked out and shared in the spoils of the war. (For those of you not keeping up, that means he licked the bits of kitty treat off Samurai’s face) Then both weary soldiers went into their tent, flopped down on their backs, and took a nap in the sunbeam while their watchdogs stood at the entrance to the tent.

Now I think that I shall also enjoy the sunbeam.

Someone isn't happy about not getting any

2005-01-31T20:04:00.000-06:00

Don't take it out on everyone else.

Legislating your sex life

Bunnysutra?!

2005-01-31T18:00:00.000-06:00

The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business

That can't be the preacher

2005-01-31T13:48:00.000-06:00

I read a blog today and found that quite a few people I went to school with are getting married. What the hell is with so many people around my age getting married? I think it is just the bloody crazy kicking in. Truth be told I would like to get married someday, but not when I am 19 for crying out loud. Plus the two major factors of why people get married are missing for me, I am not knocked up and I haven’t found someone I would want to marry.

Even Mike is engaged and he is engaged to a girl younger than I am. Who wants to get married at that age? I still can’t decide what to do tomorrow, let alone for the rest of my life. Which I would have to say is a big reason I think I am not marriage material. Currently possibly ever.

Oh, and kids. My God I can’t take care of myself what would I do with another life? I like kids, I like the idea of having kids. I even want one someday. But I have no idea what the hell to do with them. I am the youngest, I have never taken care of my nieces and nephews. I have never taken care of a small child. I’m pretty sure I would accidently kill a child or something. Maybe be a horrible mother. What if I turn out to be a horrible mom? Or what if my marriage turns out like all the marriages in my family.

Just weird.

This is not meant to be insulting to any of the people who fit into the categories mentioned above. I just cannot get my brain around this.

On another side note, if I can talk any this week it will be a freaking miracle.

Someone who would not understand

2005-01-31T13:22:00.000-06:00

I wonder what the most popular screen size is out there. Not which is used the most, but which ones people actually like. I mean some people have to be using an old CRT that only has 800 x 600 on it. It isn’t that they want to see the internet world in 800 x 600, it’s just they have no their option and thus they shall only see the world in 800 x 600. How sad that is.

There should be a law against people who are photogenic, or maybe against people who aren’t. What caused this thought? Cosplay pictures. Ami and Hotaru are photogenic. Meanwhile I think pictures should never be taken of me. I think that is why it bothered everyone that I had so many pictures taken when I dressed as Lulu. I mean really, why the hell would you want to take a picture of me? I mean the costume was alright. It wasn’t anything great by cosplay standards, in fact I have never made anything that was beyond so so. That’s why I gave up cosplay. Oh that and I cannot stand to look at myself. Yeah that goes great with dressing up and letting a ton of people take pictures of you. Whatever.

I guess I will go do laundry or something productive. *snort* yeah, right. Me productive.

You said what?

2005-01-31T08:31:00.000-06:00

Apparently everyone moved away from KC so that they could start their spiritual journey. Ok, maybe just the people in my family. It’s not really that it bothers me so much as it is just flat out weirs to hear my brother talk about his spiritual journey. I’m happy for him really, and I hope he finds his God. It’s still just weird.

I have been thinking about whether I want to dye my hair red again or just let it grow back out to its natural color. I have the dye already, but for some reason, I just don’t want to. Which is odd because I have always loved dying my hair red. I guess I am just up for another change. I’m up for a lot of changes, and some changes are just happening. Most of the ones I have not consciously chosen are impacting me more than they should. I just cannot handle them right now. I’d write a lot more about it, but everybody reads this crap and there are some people out there that just cannot handle the truth. So I will drop it and ponder it elsewhere.

I’m trying to remember something but I just cannot seem to get it out of the catacombs of my brain. I know that it is there, I know it. Ugh!

I have to read that book the Grand Master lent me. It is tiny so it should be a quick read. I just keep putting it off while I do my homework. I guess I will have to wait till this weekend to read it because I have a busy week. I also want to go to the used books stores and see if I can find a couple of books. I guess I could go to Barnes and Noble, but I am all about cheap books.

It’s snowing right now, which means more than likely my only class today will be cancelled. All that prep for nothing.

My throat is killing me. I don’t want to go to the doctor, and I want to keep my tonsils damn it.

On the outside

2005-01-30T20:32:00.000-06:00

You know I logged into LJ because I wanted to read up on Ami and leave her a few notes. So I was reading through her LJ and it hit me.

I don’t know this girl anymore. I don’t know Hotaru or Akane. I’m simply not a part of their lives anymore. Sure I see them and we talk sometimes, but that’s it. It’s something that I have been thinking about for a long time but never really wanting to tell myself the truth. It is hard to ignore it though when it is so blatantly in front of you, screaming for much needed attention.

I thought that maybe it was because we had dissimilar interests, seeing as I have pretty much given up on anime for the most part. But I know that I still share the karate with Akane.

Next thought was maybe it is because I will be graduating and going to Mo West. Wait, Akane is going there too.

Maybe because I don’t have class with them? Hmm, have classes with Akane. See them together leaving Stockmeyer’s class all the time.

Last idea, I just have a horrible personality. I am not friend material.

In all honesty though, I do not know what it is, and I will not ask them, because I am sure whatever it is I don’t want to hear it because it will hurt me.

So now I exit back to my blog.

2005-01-30T14:43:00.000-06:00

As you can all see, my notes have all gone away. I feel so empty now. So feel free to leave new notes.

I went and saw the movie Ray last night. I loved it, which is saying something, because I cannot stand Jamie Foxx. I must say though, he was amazing in this movie.

Other new and interesting things? I was reading another blog and I found a little blip about sex bracelets. I clicked a link that talked more about it and found this quote:
"Moreover, the mechanics of the activity might well rule it out. As numerous of our correspondents have explained, it would take a mighty force to break a jelly bracelet — those circlets are tough."

I am sure that some of you will understand why I find that so amusing. Anyway if you want to read more check it out here. Share in the laugh a little.

I emailed Master Neussle (I can never remember if it is eu or ue) about an email change the other day and I was very suprised when he emailed me back. He has been talking to me after class a lot lately. I can think back to a few years ago and say I never thought I would enjoy a conversation with him. But I have. I must say that I have grown up a little and that is why I am able to understand him better. He's a great guy.

Speaking of the Masters, Marc told me that he would love to work out with me more and maybe we should exchange phone numbers. Now, I have been trying my best to be nice to Marc but that just creeped me out. I have also been treating Mike the same way at gung fu, but it seems that some things never change. Mike is one of those things.

They switched my antibiotic again. See my tonsils are still swollen from the last time I got sick, almost three weeks ago. My dad mentioned yesterday that I might have to have my tonsils out. I'm not thrilled at that prospect, but if it means that I can swallow once again, I would be happy after the fact.

Other things? I need to get gas before I head out to psychology tomorrow.

I think Nyquil was the name of a Greek god. If not, I think it should have been one. I may build my own little shrine to the god Nyquil.

2005-01-30T09:34:00.000-06:00

Last night was a repeat of so many other nights. I would like to just have a normal nights sleep.

I'm sitting here listening to the coffee pot and looking out the window. The sky is overcast and it has been all morning. Ok, well it has been since the sun came up, before that it was all just dark to me.

Nothing much interesting to talk about. Coffee is done and so is my omlet. So I guess I will have some breakfast.

2005-01-29T21:59:00.000-06:00

I think that you all know why I posted this here. If you know any Oak Park High School alumni I hope you forward this on.

I have been searching everywhere for more information about it on the net but I found nothing. It simply was an article in the dispatch. So I had to make my own sad little scan. I wonder how many people read or know about it? Anyway, I finally got the scan up, if you cannot read the article here, drop me a line and I will email it to you.

2005-01-29T17:05:00.000-06:00

So here we finally get to a serious entry that isn't "just bitching" as I have been told I do. Bitching will come later.

Grandma finally went off her treatment this week. They gave her a nutritional packet. That's it. They just sent her home. I know that she has cancer and there isn't much that they can do for her, but it all seems a little...heartless. The woman is dying for Christ's sake. I understand that the cancer is not the fault of the people working at the hospitals. It is, in fact her own fault. I am unsure if she had quite smoking earlier if it would have never developed. I just don't know and it is not worth speculating. The truth is she smoke and drank. She did both quite well actually. She was up to three packs a day before she quite. Yet she did quite. I guess it is harsh to say, but too little too late. It was only a few years later that they found the cancer. She is dying and all anyone can do really, is watch.

It's sickening really. I have lost one family member a year to cancer over the past four years. Last November Uncle Bud died. He was my Grandfather's brother. The odd thing is, he died a year to the day that my Grandfather died. Watching my Grandfather slowly die was horrible. The man smoked all his life. His wives all smoked. Now all I can think is, "was it worth it?" He died in more pain than any person should have to deal with, but in the end, once again, I can say he did it to himself. He just couldn't quite smoking. Don't get me wrong, he did stop for a while. The period when they removed his mouth and did radiation on the roof of his mouth caused him to become so weak that he couldn't do anything, eat, drink or smoke. What was left of his upper mouth and jaw became black and disfigured, he couldn't even talk. Yet his fucking wife kept smoking around him through it all. In the end, he started smoking again. He had no mouth to the point that he had to use his hand to keep it shut just so he could suck on his cigarette. Still, people ask why I cannot stand smoke. Look what it does to people.

I talk about such interesting things.

There are other things that have just been bugging the crap out of me so I shall continue.

Ok, let me dwell once again on the subject of Beth. I know everyone is more than likely sick of hearing about it, but don't read then. My blog my opinions. Anyway, I cannot get over the fact that I cannot stand her. It is driving me crazy! I talked to Ron about it and I told him how I feel like such a horrible person for not liking her. I mean, she has never done anything to me and I am sure that she is a really nice person. I just can't stand her. She pisses me off to no end and it upsets me that I can feel that way about someone. It's like the otherday on the mats when I had to call her down for doing moves on Danny, THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW. She hurt Danny for starters, and when I told her just to practice the basics she smarted off. *Growl* I was so proud of myself for not losing control because in that moment I wanted to literally knock her head off. I was furious. You know the Grand Master keeps talking about how she comes from a strict Japanese family, bullshit. She's a whiny little girl who has no respect, lacks manners, has no concept of time(I hope she isn't late for everything else she does), makes her own rules and does whatever she wants. Which is a bunch of Judo moves that hurt the other students. She reminds me so much of Othello. Atleast I could stand him though. I don't know, maybe I am just a hateful person deep down.

I'm still upset that I had to turn down that trip to China. Well, I did not >have< to, but I did because looking at my next few years of college made me think that I can drop the five grand elsewhere. I can always go to China later on down the road of life anyway.

I haven't been sleeping well at all. When I do finally fall asleep it is always in the middle of the day when I am trying to get things done. Like the other day I was studying sociology (because we have a test coming up) and I always study on my bed. I just find it more comfortable. I fell asleep. That wasn't much of a problem unless you count the fact that I had a glass of water on my bed. >.< In all my Kitty talent I never would have thought that I could fall asleep and not tump over a glass of water on my bed. But I didn't. Lucky me.

I've really been craving some Chinese and Mexican food lately. I've had three strawberry shakes this week, and I have enjoyed every one of them. I still want more, but I also have that craving for the Salty Iguana. Mmm. Or Hunan Garden. That sounds sooo good right now. I made cookies last night for some people who were not very thankful. Atleast I made some the way I like them and I enjoyed some cookie goodness. I'm not a wonderful cook, but I think I am pretty good at it. I can atleast keep myself fed. I can also feed my family plus a few. Which reminds me that there are going to be some hungry people home in a few hours, so maybe I should cook something.

2005-01-29T17:01:00.000-06:00

Me asleep (when my hair was lighter) and Arnold. You can see her nestled in my hair. This is a better pic.

2005-01-29T16:59:00.000-06:00

Me (when my hair was lighter) and Arnold. You can see her nestled in my hair.

2005-01-29T16:58:00.000-06:00

Pic from the last ice storm.

2005-01-29T16:57:00.000-06:00

Pic from the last ice storm.

2005-01-29T16:55:00.000-06:00

Pic from the last ice storm.

2005-01-29T16:54:00.000-06:00

Pic from the last ice storm.

2005-01-29T16:53:00.000-06:00

Pic from the last ice storm.

2005-01-29T16:52:00.000-06:00

Pic from the last ice storm.

2005-01-29T16:50:00.000-06:00

Pic from the last ice storm.

2005-01-29T08:34:00.000-06:00

The world is against me this morning. I am not going to make it to gung fu. I guess I will just have to borrow someone’s notes this week.

This week is going to suck. I can see it already.

Pastor Dave came to class yesterday. I’m still up in the air on whether I liked yesterdays class or not. I mean my dad did put my neck and spine back together which is the only reason I was there. The Grand Master came out after class and told me he wanted to sit with me and talk to people as they came out of the locker room. It was kind of nice. I mean I screwed up totally in class, but he wasn’t just shaking his head at me and ignoring me. I think I also surprised him with my blatant honesty. Maybe he isn’t totally pissed off at me after all. Then again maybe he was just in a nice mood. Who knows?

2005-01-29T01:11:00.000-06:00

I was just looking at the weather for the next week and the patterns. Oh that is such fun. The Friday forecast calls for snow at night. Saturday snow in the morning and at night. Sunday snow. Monday snow and possibly rain.

Where is my warm weather? I am going to hunt it down, put a collar with a bell on it, and never let it leave me again.

Tuesday begins a new month.

I'm sleepy, but once again, I cannot sleep. Monkey butts.

2005-01-26T09:10:00.000-06:00

I have homework that I should currently be doing. Why am I not? Good question. It seems that in the midst of all the crazy things that happened yesterday I never noticed that I wasn’t in fact tired, but something else all together. While trying to get all my homework together to do it, I blacked out. Funny. So I woke up a few hours later, trying to figure out what hurt the worst. My head was throbbing uncontrollably, which was quite a nuisance. I also did something to my shoulder that I do not want to think about. Gung fu is going to be fun tonight. I didn’t know that it could bend at that angle and for a couple hours at that. So the pulling of muscles in my shoulder affected the muscles in my back too. Peachy! So now I am thinking about whether I should take something before I go to class or what. I guess I will just suffer through it. No big deal.

The phone started ringing again at seven this morning. Luckily I was already up by then this time. You know, I look like hell. The grand master asked me if I had lost weight, and I told him yes, which is true. I think he really wanted to tell me that I look like hell. I think sleep would help a little. I don’t know. I need something, not sure what it is.

I know something I need...breakfast damn it! So I shall have some breakfast and be less needy.

2005-01-25T20:41:00.000-06:00

It’s what, eight thirty now? I’m so freaking tired that I just fell asleep sitting here reading. It wasn’t as though what I was reading wasn’t interesting either. I can’t sleep and I won’t sleep. I know it. It’s the same every night and by this weekend I will be so tired that I will be dragging. Then what?

Ron went out to eat with us after class today. He said that he didn’t have to work and asked if we minded some company. I don’t think he has gotten used to how much I have changed since the last time I saw him. There’s something different in the way he acts and I cannot, for the life of me, figure it out. Oh well, maybe later days it will all be explained for me. Or maybe I really just don’t need to know. I almost got him to do my homework in exchange for going to Independence for him. Though he said he wouldn’t put all of his effort in it. I freaked Norman out today when I asked him if I would see him tomorrow. See I keep thinking today is Thursday, which means that tomorrow would be class. Um...no. So Norman was trying to figure out what we were doing and why I would see him tomorrow. Uh oops. Someone can feel free to save me from myself.

2005-01-24T20:26:00.000-06:00

When you decided to call at seven in the morning, did you perhaps even stop to think about the possibility that some of us had been awake up until five? And that perchance we might enjoy a little uninterrupted sleep for once. Not to mention that when your phone call was not answered you called back how many times? Get a fucking grip.

Ugh. It’s been another wonderful day of school. Only not at all. I’m in this mood now where all I want to do is curl up on my soft bed and never leave it, even if I am not sleeping. Yet I painstakingly pull myself from its clutches to go to class. And for what? I’m not sure. In psychology today we were talking about how people within a routine never grow. It got me to thinking a little. We talked about brushing your hair, taking a shower, and dressing yourself. How all of these are routines that if you change, you grow. So I considered it. I never dress from the bottom up or the top down. I do either. No routine, constant change. I never shower the same way washing my hair or my body first. Never the same, always changing. I never dry off the same. I never brush my teeth the same. I never drive the same way. I am constant change. So why do I always feel like I am not growing as a person? I haven’t been able to answer that yet, but I am working on it.

I think the only thing that you could even come close to calling a routine would be my eating patterns. Even then though I break with routine and try new things every now and then. Sometimes I even find something I like. One cannot be too adventurous when death lingers in so many things around my petty little world. Like the garlic on my fries Friday night. For the most part though I can count on myself to never cook up something likely to kill me.

I have a pretty new decoration for my wall and just today I pulled out some more supplies so that I could make something pretty. The thought doesn’t thrill me as much as writing something pretty though. I have spent a lot of my time lately buried in my notebooks. Filling them at the pace of almost one every other day. How grand it all seems that I can get all that done and still have time to do my homework.

I received a list of requirements for my paper today and I keep going over them in my head. 10 pages. It seems like such a small number. I nearly laughed when he told us. Funny how I went from loving three page papers a few semesters ago to thinking anything under five was not worth the effort. I pride myself still on the ability to crank them out too. The only thing that is really going to bother me this semester is going to be the speeches. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to take the class to become a better public speaker and that I will need the skill in life. I think my public speeches are fine. I took Perez because I heard he was the most relaxed of all the teachers up there. Hopefully the panic disorder will not let this grade slip away from me.

Cassie told me recently of how Mo West might be putting in single dorms over this summer. Which would mean I could, in effect, live by myself. The prospect is very tempting.

2005-01-23T19:06:00.000-06:00

I’m currently in the process of making home made chicken noodle soup. I am not sure how these noodles will turn out, but it is a test in my cooking skills.

I slept very little last night. In fact I slept more today than last night. When I did sleep I had two nightmares that I can remember and one dream that was so wonderful, I wish I could have it again.

I got a call from BeeJ today in New York. He sent me a picture on my phone the other day of the snow they have. He said that there is about ten inches of snow. Amazing. I heard that we are supposed to have some warmer weather this week and I welcome it. Yay to that. Which reminds me that I should be doing my homework for the week. I really do not want too though. I can think of many things that I would like to do, but none of them involve homework.

I’ve been craving coffee and strawberry shakes all day. I think something more than usual may be wrong with me. I am not craving them together though. It made me think to ask if anyone wants to go to Winstead’s(sp?) after gung fu on Wednesday. So that I can have a strawberry shake, and I think Crissy would like the idea also. You never know though, if no one is interested, I might just go myself and let them do what they please.

I’m going to go work on some stories. I might feel the need to share something, but don’t get your hopes up too high.

I need something sweet.

2005-01-19T10:00:00.000-06:00

MEMPHIS, Tennessee (AP) -- Defense attorney Leslie Ballin called it the "jury pool from hell."

The group of prospective jurors was summoned to listen to a case of Tennessee trailer park violence.

Right after jury selection began last week, one man got up and left, announcing, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite."

When the prosecutor asked if anyone had been convicted of a crime, a prospective juror said that he had been arrested and taken to a mental hospital after he almost shot his nephew. He said he was provoked because his nephew just would not come out from under the bed.

Another would-be juror said he had had alcohol problems and was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. "I should have known something was up," he said. "She had all her teeth."

Another prospect volunteered he probably should not be on the jury: "In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as your lawyer), you're probably guilty." He was not chosen.

The case involved a woman accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend in the face with a brick. Ballin's client was found not guilty.

2005-01-18T18:04:00.000-06:00

I was reading a nice little piece in Emma’s LJ today about censorship and the FBI. It was really quite interesting, but when I tried to click on the link in here LJ an error message popped up about being unable to load the page. So I tried to go back to her LJ and a new error message popped up about my computer being forbidden to access her LJ. WTF, O? It really isn’t that interesting with all the details missing, but I am sure you can pretend, in your head.

I had the weirdest dream about going out on a date with two gay men. Yes, myself and two gay men. I’m not sure what that was all about, but I am sure that I no longer want to think about it. Moving right along.

Classes start tomorrow. I’m really not looking forward to going. Right now I am looking forward to every little break we have. I’m planing on going somewhere for the week of spring break. I’d tell you where, but it’s none of your bloody damn business. So dream of your own little vacation, away from yourself.

I’m a little mean tonight, I could give you all the excuses but they are just that. I think I may sleep on a heating pad to get the muscles in my back to relax a little tonight. Warmth usually makes them feel a little better.

Amazingly, I started writing a little ficlet the other night that I am growing quite fond of. It takes my mind of everything. I haven’t named any characters yet, but names don’t really matter do they? They can be anyone I want them to be or you want them to be. In the end it’s all the same story isn’t it?

I crave some orange juice. Maybe I will go to HyVee and pick some up.

Endless nothingness...

2005-01-17T20:53:00.000-06:00

The bruises up my spine, on my wrists and hips have almost completely gone now. They look so beautiful on my pale skin. The one on my finger has not relented yet, but I am sure that it will give way in the end. It is the only green that still marks my flesh, the others have turned a nice yellow that goes well with the golden undertones of my skin.

I’ve read a lot today, and also written. I was going to post it here, but I decided last minute just to save it. I think it’s better that way, this is going to be weird enough to read.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and as I know thinking never leads me anywhere good. I had a lot of realizations that struck me that I had never really let surface in my mind. It changed me, but as of yet I am unsure how much.

I’m going back to my room.

2005-01-15T11:58:00.000-06:00

Another uninteresting entry for everyone.

I’m sick again. It seems that I am either sick or broken and it is beginning to piss me off. I mean what the hell? Really now.

My enlarger arrived yesterday in all it’s glory. It is a beautiful piece of work. I have not been able to print anything on it yet, because I refuse to venture out into the cold just to buy some chemicals. It’s an Omega C-700 with some of the extra parts to make it a C-760. The 760 is a color printer, so I could print color but it wouldn’t work out for me because of that slight color blindness. It’s just wonderful to have my own enlarger. Which means I am now going to get rid of a bunch of crap so that I can build a dark room. My dad likes the enlarger, but not the idea of me transforming a room into a dark room. Heh, oh well I guess.

I think Samurai or Ninja killed a bird today. I only think this because there are feathers everywhere in their house, but no body. So either they killed it, or there is a very nekkid bird out there in the cold.

And now I am hungry, which means that I will need to go grocery shopping if I want to eat. Yay. (Sarcasm)

2005-01-12T01:09:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up to a bloody nose. It’s been so long since that last happened. I was hoping that it had finally gone away. The ever persistent reminder is there.

I saw white noise yesterday. I have practically been drooling over the movie ever since I saw the first preview for it. It wasn’t as thrilling as I thought it would be. I know it was only a PG13 movie, but I could have done so much more with it. After so much anticipation, it was a let down. I just pray that they aren’t really going to make the sequel.

What other non-interesting things can I type up?

Oh, here is something funny, I have a nice crescent-shaped scratch on my left knee. It happens to be the place that I ran into my fathers projection TV and the glass corner removed a little chunk of kitty flesh. There is no visible bruise, but my entire kneecap is sore to the touch. As it was, this wasn’t just another case of my klutziness, I wasn’t wearing my contacts. This is what happens when kitties and glass collide at a jogging pace. Not pretty for my kneecap, but I guess everything will work out in the end.

I feel really tired. I don’t really feel like I have accomplished much today, but I did a lot of errands and lots of cleaning. I hand washed a lot of dishes today because they don’t fit in the dishwasher and I used them yesterday. Now my hands feel all dry and just gross. They crave some soothing lotion. Just screaming for some loving and yet I sit here and force them to do this slave labor of typing.

“Now that it's over, I realize
Those sweet words you whispered, were nothing but lies”

2005-01-06T22:14:00.000-06:00

So for everyone who is interested I did pick up my books for classes. BeeJay did come back into town, only to make me want to smack him. He has a Japanese roommate. Technically he has two and on of them speaks little to no English, so in exchange for teaching him English, he is teaching Beej Japanese. >.< I want to cry. Although he did say that he would love to meet us all, and I told him I would adopt him. Everything works out. Anyway, Beej now speaks more Japanese then I do. Oh, and he is thinking of moving to Japan to become a chef. Wait, here it comes, I’m crying. My brother is horrible.

Oh, and it started snowing and icing here yesterday. That was fun, I’ll post some pics of it for all my warm weather readers. I went outside for awhile and watched the snow fall with Samurai and Ninja. They are so cute. Ninja still reminds everyone of me though, and I do like him a little better than Samurai. Shhh. When I came down this morning they were sleeping in a little ball and they looked like a ying yang. So cute!

The phone rang off the hook yesterday, which didn’t really bother me. The thing that really bothered me was I spent all day trying to get my cell to work, and my sister picked it up and it worked in the house. I think the little fucker just hates me.

BeeJ told me that I was welcome to come to New York anytime and I have really been thinking about it. I’m not really sure, but I have had that itch to travel again. I was thinking about looking at when we have days off this semester and seeing how that would work out for me. I might not even go to New York. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but I want to go someplace I haven’t gone yet so that I can check it off my list.

I read House of Leaves again. That book is beautiful, I wish everyone loved it the way I do. I guess you just have to be odd to truly enjoy what a wonderful piece it is.

I’ve also started playing Command and Conquer again. I stole Steven’s copy from him. Ok I only have the soviet disks, but I am not complaining. I like the game. I guess I am just a nerd at heart. Or something like that. You know I have never met another girl that likes Command and Conquer. That would be interesting. Or not. You never know.

When I signed on the internet there was a little blip about White Noise. Ugh, I am just dying to see that movie.

You know I think I am a very uninteresting person, I wonder why people read this?

When the ice came through it broke a limb off the tree in our driveway that fell right behind the mustang. Yeah, and there were a few branches hanging down over the car and I was just praying that they wouldn’t come down and hit it.

I’m sad that SiJo called to tell me the center was closed for gung fu night. Interestingly enough, I missed it. Imagine that.

2005-01-03T21:41:00.000-06:00

I'm going to go pick up my books for classes tomorrow, which means I am going to be in line all morning. Also BeeJay is supposed to be in town sometime tomorrow and he wants to hang out. He may even be staying here.

Luckily I only had two things planned for tomorrow, get books for school and get a book from Barnes and Noble. I haven't decided yet what I want to pick up. The only thing I know is that I have nothing to read here and I want something. It is driving me crazy. I'm not interesting in picking up manga either. As much as I am craving the rest of the D N Angel books, they will just have to wait a little longer.

I’ve been thinking about getting on the internet and looking at recent best sellers to see if something interests me. I have already read The Da Vinci Code twice now. I need something that I can thoroughly enjoy. I just have no idea what that would be. I’m thinking about picking up Angels and Demons by Dan Brown (same author as The Da Vinci Code). I haven’t heard good reviews of it though. I haven’t really heard any talk about good books lately. I am awaiting the sixth Harry Potter book. I mean honestly, I’m this far in I might as well get the set. Though the last one, I personally think, sucked. Kind of like the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. Oh Lord. Thankfully I stopped early on but he keeps putting them out there. Frankly I am not a fan of the newer Stephen King books, though I do enjoy his older ones. I wanted to read that book, He’s Just Not Into You by Greg or Gary B. I don’t remember his name, but I heard that was interesting. I also remember that there was a good book on the mob out but I forgot what it was called and who it was by. This is why I can’t get anywhere. I need a memory boost. I think most of my memory problems are from being out so late. I think I went to bed around six or seven am.

I’m just blitzed.

2005-01-02T11:03:00.000-06:00

Here are some funny Luna stories to brighten your day.

I’m never going to hear the end of this one. Last time the four of us all went to Perkins I ordered pancakes that I couldn’t finish. No surprise there. So I got a to-go box and put the pancakes in there. I figured they would be great breakfast the next morning. My dad came downstairs when I got home and asked me what I had because he was hungry. I offered the pancakes and he accepted. So he opened the box and just stared at me. Apparently no one noticed that I picked up my pancakes with a fork and knife, only to put everything in the box. I’m a little thief. I now have a fork and knife that I need to return to Perkins. I’m still not sure how I managed to get them in the box and home without even noticing, or how no one else noticed.

I just realized that classes don’t start until the 19th of this month. That’s forever from now. Plus classes end on the 19th of May. I think Spring semesters are always better than fall ones.

You know the weather has been wonderful these past few days. Talk about ringing in the new year the right way. With warm weather. It made me happy, if only for a little while. Now it is back to cold and dreary.

I really should be doing laundry and organizing my room a little. I guess I will get on that and save this for later.

2005-01-01T09:22:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the New Year.

Sitting here it doesn't seem so great. Just another year. I don't see anything so great about it.

This year I will graduate from Maple Woods. Hopefully this spring. Then this summer I will turn 20. Then I get to go to another college. I am currently planning on going to Mo West, but if I can find some place outside of MO that offers the same type of scholarship, I'm going. Unless of course it is in the Dakotas or someplace equally cold.

I think the turning 20 is the weirdest part to me. I mean, people still constantly think I am 12. I never wanted to get older than 16 anyway. That was four years ago.

I am hoping that the craziness will calm down a little this year, but I doubt it. My family is insane and I can't get away from that. Then there is school.

Pastor Dave called me this weekend. He wanted to talk about next semesters karate class and gung fu. I'm not sure what I am going to do honestly. I've been a little...or a lot...upset lately about the announcement that the grandmaster made. You know, the one about whining about getting hurt and not telling other people, to tell him instead. Yeah. That has been bothering me. It really doesn't help that my dad keeps telling me that I hurt something different every week. I see only two answers to this problem. I am either not learning the material or I break too easy. If I am not learning the material, then why am I paying to go down and get hurt? Or if I just break to easy then why am I putting myself in that position. I have been thinking a lot about walking away lately. I'm not really seeing any other options. I'm not getting any better, in fact I think I am only getting worse. So maybe it is time.

You know the grandmaster talks about how people peak and he never sees them getting any better than what they are. Maybe he is talking to me or just about me. That's another thing that has been driving me crazy, I am sick of people talking about me. I thought maybe it would get better, but no. I left WOLC to get away from that crap. Now I hear that Brock is telling people that I stalked him. Don't flatter yourself. So far I have been a liar, and I dated Ron just to upset him, I was delusional in thinking that he liked me, I'm running away from God, making all the wrong choices, I was a whore, and now I'm a stalker. Oh my lord! I sound so horrible. Ron and I never dated but we were pretty close. I am not sure how, or why I would date Ron just to upset Brock. I have no idea what I lied about, but I remember that was tied to Ron also. Still, pot, kettle, black. I don't think I was delusional, but that is an easy way for him to talk about it now. What the fuck ever. I'm not running away from God. I am trying to get away from hypocrites like Brock at WOLC. I'm making all the wrong choices? Oh well, I'm happy with where my life is headed because of my choices. I'm a whore, now that one was funny, considering I never made out with a girl while my little brother was in the car. And then the stalker thing, you know, I can't believe he had the balls to tell people that. Yes, I'm so horrible because I ignore you like the plague. But I can see how you could confuse that with stalking.

Not really. You know I would love to tell him all this to his face, but then I would have to go out of my way to talk to him. I pass. So I will just write about it here and make myself feel a little better. I try to be, for the most part, civil in class but other than that I don’t really care. The grandmaster got pissed off at me for not running with his little master any more and I don’t know what to say to that. I guess since I don’t want to be around his master any more he doesn’t like me now or something.

On a random side thought, I am starting to like Nick more. He’s not really a people person, but he does try and I think that says something about his character.

You know, I’m getting sick of being sick. I’m not sure how I am going to remedy this problem, but I am going to get it taken care of. These stupid allergies too. I’m tired of being the little girl that has to live in a bubble. *~shakes fist~* I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!

Now I am hungry. Breakfast!

2004-12-28T19:52:00.000-06:00

You run away from things you can't handle. You're sad, you know that? Here I am sitting where you left me. Waiting. You aren't coming back though. You're still running and I'm still waiting. And I'll be here, right where you left me. I won't be waiting for you though. I'll wait for someone new. Someone. Someone who isn't you.

It's dark and cold here. I can see a light, but looking hurts my eyes, so I turned my back on it. I hear things in the darkness. The little unseen terrors. I'm afraid of them, but they are my friends. Not by choice though. I'm here and they're here. We're like roommates.

Are we though? Am I in a room? Where am I? I forgot why I came here. I don't really remember coming here. Maybe I Was brought. But who brought me?

I want to leave here now. It's scary. I would move, but what if I run into something. _{Or someone.}

My head hurts. I can hear a noise echo...echoing. It seems so close and so far away. It's a familiar noise. I know I have heard it before. It's so loud. The echo hurts my head. The noise hurts. So familiar.

What was I afraid of? I remember white. Soft and warm. I want that warmth now. Why is it gone?

The floor just moved. If it really is even a floor. I feel dizzy here.

The echoing stopped. The echo comes from the light. I wonder what it was.

So familiar.

I can't remember if I have arms or legs. I remember what they are. If I walked here I would need legs. I can feel my hands on my face. I do have arms.

What about legs?

If I have legs I can walk out of here. That is, if there is an out. And if I can walk. Wait, I can feel my legs...and I think I even have feet. There is something sticky on one foot. Thick and sticky. But I have legs. Now, I need to remember how one walks.

I can crawl. I will crawl. Away from the light? The light had the noise. The noise like I have heard before. Crystal clear noise. Like clear water. Water.

I'm so thirsty. I'll crawl to the light and find water.

The ground is soft dirt and hard rock. I cuts my hands adn knees as I crawl. Soft and hard. I wonder how long till I can see the light.

I hear that noise again. This time closer. I hear a scream after the noise. It echos again.

What is it?

I have to stop, the light hurts my eyes too much. Let's sit. I'll just close my eyes for a minute.

_{I remember something horrible.} I don't want to go to the light. I could be the next scream. Stay here in the darkness.

So horrible.

2004-12-28T17:50:00.000-06:00

So I just spent sometime curled up in a corner of my bathroom crying. Those are the times we miss...no they aren't.

This entry will be completely unedited. Enjoy.

I don't like all these after the holidays bombshells that everyone feels like dropping on me.

Ok, so there is no title with the car. I have the information to get the title work done. Simple.

My insurance just went up due to a rate increase. I can fix that too. I am going to switch insurance companies.

You're what? I don't know what to think about this one. What do you do when someone tells you they are dating someone. And they don't care what you think. I didn't say anything, I don't know what to say. I'm happy for you? Honestly I'm not. I guess no reply is really needed. But now that everything is now...whatever the hell it is, what do I do? How am I supposed to deal with it all. So far I'm not doing to well.

My Playstation is still broken I called Gameco and they said for $50 + tax they could fix it. Hell, I could almost buy a new one for that much. Which it looks like that is what I am going to end up doing anyway. Wonderful, just wonderful.

My phone says that I have no missed calles and no messages. WTF?

I don't want to live on campust, but I don't want to live here. So I need to start looking for a job next semester and looking at apartments or something. I could stay here while I am going to MO West, I just don't know. Which reminds me, I got a call from William Jewel, based on my Phi Theta Kappa they want me to go to their school. Do I get a free ride? Cause I like free rides.

Ugh, which makes me think of that mustang again. My dad's super pissed about that, and the element. Like I need to deal with his pissoffedness on top of all of this.

Yeah. I have no shoulder to cry on, just my own and my little blog to whine to. Pitiful aren't I? You know I never would have described myself as a sensitive person, but I really think I am. I also think I got shorter. I feel shorter. I also think I lost some more weight. I guess that's good. It's not like I needed it for anything.

I usually play GTA to relax, but I don't have a playstation. And I don't have anyone to call and talk too.

I still haven't made it to Barnes and Noble today, but I don't really feel like driving now. I can see how that doesn't work out so well.

2004-12-28T13:30:00.000-06:00

The earthquake followed by the tsunami is an amazing act of nature. I was watching the news and it is such a horrible thing. This morning I was reading that the death toll was up to 44,000 and they expect it to be over 50,000 by tonight.

I was watching the video on the news of people and houses being swept away by the waves. This morning Colin was on tv talking about how we are going to be sending $15 million in aid relief. It got me to wondering where all this money will come from. Don’t we have a national debt in the billions now? We can’t even pay for the war on terrorism that we started. The government recently sent out a little pamphlet that talks about how unemployment is bankrupt and won’t be paying the unemployed.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not against helping those in need. I just want some details on how we are doing this.

I now return you to my regularly scheduled complaining.

I can finally walk today. It made for a very interesting morning. I also ate my first meal this morning and I kept it down. I’m so thrilled...

I want to go shopping. At Barnes and Noble and some other places.

I have wavy hair today. Stupid shower.

I found my phone this morning while I was laying on the couch. See when the battery gets low it vibrates and beeps. So when the couch started vibrating...I freaked out. Eventually I realized that it was my phone and all was well.

Someone sent me a funny site last night. Well, it’s kind of funny. I am still not sure whether I should laugh or not. Check it out.

2004-12-28T13:08:00.000-06:00

Samurai poses for the camera.

2004-12-28T13:06:00.000-06:00

Ninjaa gives his death glare. Are you looking at his food?

2004-12-28T13:03:00.000-06:00

The big brown lump is Andy. Samurai looks kind of like someone shot him.

2004-12-28T13:01:00.000-06:00

Thankfully they wore themselves out. And kitty death...

2004-12-28T12:59:00.000-06:00

Samurai can sleep in the weirdest positions...

2004-12-28T12:58:00.000-06:00

Little Ninjaaa and Samurai. They're so cute when they aren't racing around at 4am.

2004-12-27T11:57:00.000-06:00

So today is looking up for me. I can sit up for longer than five minutes and I can walk from one room to the other and not feel like I am going to pass out.

I want something more to eat than crackers and water, but we are out of chicken noodle soup. I could try and get some, but taking a shower this morning was a feat in and of itself. I'm not sure I am really ready to leave the house.

I think it was the first time I have seen my dad really worried about me before. Mostly I was just trying my best not to be sick. I don't want to be in the hospital anymore this month.

I wonder if I could keep down some scrambled eggs? That sounds really good...

I'm hungry.

2004-12-25T23:34:00.000-06:00

I am liking the holidays less and less each year. I have had the migraine from hell since Wednesday. Every person I have walked by I have had an allergic reaction to, and I have walked by a lot of people.

I got up early today because my mother was at my grandfather’s and we were all going to have Christmas over there, only to find that my migraine was so bad it hurt to open my eyes. Like a trooper I went over regardless. I should have known better by now.

Currently I am on the couch with four blankets and a sleeping bag. Even with all that I am still cold. Why you ask? I believe that I have spent too much time in the cold lately and I am now sick.

I want to cry.

Oh wait, I already did that.

Merry Christmas, I got in a fight with my dad. Lots of those fights recently. We even had a fight about me moving out in June.

Oh and among all my presents, I got a car for Christmas. What the hell I am going to do with it, I have no idea.

I bought a new face plate for my phone and lost my phone. >.<

I still have Cassie’s present. I need to get that to her sometime.

Checked my grades and I am very happy with them. I mean the B was sucky but I was lucky.

This is a lot of me whining. You know I was listening to the Grand master talk about how we all need to not whine and tell him about our injuries. I am positive that he was talking to me. I can’t tell him every time I get hurt. I’m made of glass for crying out loud. Honestly I am just waiting for him to tell me he doesn’t want me at his classes. I know it’s coming.

I hurt all over. :(

Someone can put me out of my misery, that would be great.

2004-12-15T15:12:00.000-06:00

This is me dying!

My psychology teacher just emailed me to tell me that my final grade over all in the class was a 399/400.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

*~does the happy kitty dance and falls over~*

2004-12-14T22:41:00.000-06:00

Days go by and still I find ways to injure myself. The other day I drug 1/4inch mount board through the joint of my finger and had to come home for an hour before it stopped bleeding. Then I stuck a band aid on it and went back to the lab. When my dad heard about it he just shook his head and said that it must be “because you’re a woman.” Gotta love my family.

I tried to go to one of those exhibits today in-between my studying and all that crap I needed to get done. I got lost and couldn’t find it. I think I am never going to get this done. Really.

I have almost finished all my Christmas shopping, I just have a few things left.

I have now wasted a couple hours looking at photo enlargers on Ebay so I should probably get back to studying. Bleh.

“So treat your love like a firefly,
like it only gets to shine,
for a little while.
Put it in a mason jar,
with holes in the top
and run like hell,
to show it off.”

2004-12-12T01:31:00.000-06:00

Today was an ok day I guess. I went down to gung fu and a few people were way late. I think I might have done pretty good today. All the masters except the Boldt’s were complimenting me and the Grand Master really picked it up on me.

Been thinking over Christmas gifts and trying to decide what to give to whom. I already picked up BeeJay’s in the hopes that he comes back and talks to me for Christmas. Still wondering what to give Becky, Cassie, and my dad. Wonder if I should get the Boldt brothers something.

I don’t know what to do about this wedding thing. I don’t like going to weddings! The Grand Master asked me what I was going to do when I go married. He is under the assumption that I am getting married. Whatever. Anyway, what exactly do I wear? I mean the last time I went to a wedding was because I was in it and my sister-in-law dressed me up. Easy enough, ne?

I’m fighting my way through these last few weeks of finals and it is driving me crazy. I keep going through all my prints for photography and thinking how crappy they are and that I am going to fail the class. Even though Ian told me he thought my prints were beautiful. Ian has a nice accent. I was working one of my photography papers tonight. I wonder why this man likes to read seven page papers on photographers. This still puzzles me. I still need to go to the two exhibits. I picked on out called Pop Goes Godzilla. It is about Japanese pop culture. Squee!

I was studying for my philosophy final, which is this Thursday, and it is just bugging the crap out off me. See I currently have a C in the class, but the teacher told me that if I could get a B+ on the test I might be able to pull a B. In which case I would cry in happiness. I need that to be a B so that I keep my grade point up. Been slacking too much again this semester and I need those scholarships.

2004-12-07T21:21:00.000-06:00

Talk about crazy. The printer just started printing one of the three papers that I told it to print and I still have to print one more as soon as word decides to open. Just a little update...

2004-12-07T20:12:00.000-06:00

Today hasn't turned out to be too much better than yesterday. Just less crap that I caused by accident.

I have been working on my English revisions for my portfolio most of the afternoon and also my Ansel Adams paper. That is soooooooo much fun. I am pretty happy with most of my revisions. I took my crappy noncaring papers and turned them into something I can get an A on. The biggest thing for me has been avoiding going down to the writting lab. Everytime that I think about going down there I remember when Chris was talking abuot the people that come in with crapy papers. Yeah, pretty sure I do not want to be one of the people that they all sit around and talk about in the writting lab. Avoidance seems to work out ok for me.... *~sigh~*

When the teacher handed back my essay on La Commedia I thought I was going to cry. I emailed him the paper to see what he thought needed fixing and when he printed it off it lost all of the formatting that I had worked on. This normally wouldn't bother me too much except the formatting is getting graded and since I used quite a few sampes of poetry as examples I wanted to know if I did that correctly. His email hates me though or mine hates everyone because he keeps receiving my emails but I never receive his.

Still worried about my photography and philosophy. I guess you can see that I constantly think I am going to fail. Which is what I am going through once again. I am going to do horrible on this freaking philosophy test though. The only possible thing that could save me is if one of the essays was on Freud on religion.

Oh! That was wonderful. We started talking about psychology as related to philosophy of religion, now that is something that I love to talk about. POssibly because I love Freud and I also love psychology. The teacher was once again thrilled with my eagerness towards a subject. I bet money that he doesn't stick it on the test though. Only because he is out to fail me. I have the review sheet though and I have and will be going over it until the final. I have to be careful about studying too much though because I start to grit my teeth in the studying process and eventually I give myself a migrane. There are a lot more steps in between, but I think I will skip out on the details just this once.

I guess all in all the end of the semester crunch has put me in a not to happy mood. I have so much to do and I feel like I will never be able to get it all done. I will be spending lots of time in the photo lab and then I have the two exibits to go to. Papers are getting close to being done. One more psychology and philosophy test. That should be all of it. I guess I am just blowing way out of proportion.

My printer is currently refusing to work and I wonder if it is because I have so much energy just flowing in and out right now.

I'm drained.

I'm upset.

I'm cold.

I might not be making it to gung fu this week or next. It depends on how comfortable I feel with everything as I slowly get it done. I still have to turn in those other three writting samples too. Damn it!

I need to go to the bank. I need the freaking computer to start working like it should too. Damn it!

Been left at home alone a lot more lately. Which helps a little but usually it is when I am unmotivated to do my homework. I'm pitiful ne? I guess Andy and I are pitiful together. He is getting old...and that makes me a sad kitty.

Still not eating right. Who's suprised by that one? At least I had two meals today.

Thinking about going to bed because my head hurts, but I am not really sleepy, which means lots of times spent lying in the dark. Doesn't sound too thriling to me. I guess I will just have to accept my fate.

I wish I had something warm to snuggle with at least. >.>

2004-12-07T08:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was horrible. Things just slowly got worse and by the end of the night I was feeling pretty miserable. I didn't go to bed until after two in the morning and then when I finally fell asleep I had a bad dream. The only dream I had. I woke up around seven when it got to the part where the people were chasing me through the huge parking lot and I ran into Chris. I wasn't happy to see him either. Blah! I'm going to stop sleeping.

Yesterday I went into the photo lab around three and started developing a roll of film. Things that went wrong yesterday:

I blew a fuse (again) and had to call security for the second week in a row.

Which meant that the roll of film I was hoping to get done quickly took an extra 30 minutes while I waited on them to get the dryer running.

The person before me exausted the stop bath so I had to mix some new, only problem is he never lets us do that so I had to search out what I needed.

Someone decided that it would be fun to plug up the sink with paper and leave the water running.

I started to actually print the pictures later that day and they all started turning out like they had fog in them.

Came home to find my dad had cracked his head open with something.

Forgot for the third day in a row to eat something.

I lost my first essay. It went from my folder to unknown. Almost cried on that one.

Got a wonderful note from Jeremiah that says I should consider the fact that weirdos atract weirdos so that explains why people won't leave me alone. Oh, and at the end he tells me I should go back to church. Fun, more people trying to run my life.

Got a message that Grandma was admitted to the hospital again. I am not thinking she is going to live much longer. She is now under 100 pounds.

I printed one picture last night that the teacher liked. I also printed one picture last night that I liked. Like always, they weren't the same picture.

So I understand that today is going to be a shitty day and I welcome it because what else can I do? If you fight it you will just be more miserable.

I thought I saw BeeJay walking down the sidewalk in our neighborhood yesterday. It was just my mind going crazy. It really did look like him though.

2004-12-04T22:08:00.000-06:00

My idea to sleep in today didn’t work out for me. I woke up bright and early just to start cussing my clock out even though it wasn’t the clock’s fault. Needless to say I was up way before it was time to go down to class. Blah.

I drove out to half price books today. That place is like a little slice of heaven to me. I picked up a few new books and then came home to sit and ponder where I am going to put my newest editions. There is one space in my bookshelf from the book I lent Chris, but I just can’t fill it. Believe it or not I am OCD when it comes to my bookcase. All my books are alphabetized.

While I was out there one of the guys working there struck up a conversation about my hair color. He wanted to know if we used the same dye. Freaky! Why do I attract these people? Is there a sign on my forehead that says I am lonely and need someone to talk to?

My dad is sitting in the other room listening to sad love songs. ~.~’

2004-12-03T23:48:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to bed very late and extremely tired. I decided that I would sleep in this morning. Depending on whom you ask, I did. I learned a valuable lesson today, I am a slave to my body. I do what my body wants and I am forbidden to follow any logic that my brain comes up with. My body being the supreme ruler that it is, decided that 7:30am was sleeping in. I know I had to get things done and that I have been up and running since then, but I just want to put my body in time out.

My phone also suffered from this. It didn’t quite make it to the charger last night. In my stupor I got it close, but I just didn’t have the energy to plug it in. Or maybe I just forgot. The world may never know.

My current sleep deprivation this past week has made my functioning abilities plummet. For any one interested, the Holly and the Ivy can be turned into a very dirty song. One that makes people stop and stare at you in WalMart. Also Twisted Christmas’s “We wish you weren’t living with us” makes guys stop and walk down an aisle just to stare at you. On a brighter note I bought the Chris Isaak Christmas CD. Ooooooooh. Chris Issak is my Elvis. You can tell his greatness simply by the fact that I went out and purchased the CD. Also, I do know that he is old, but I do fancy those older men.

I’ve considered the idea of not going to class tomorrow and sleeping in, but I think my body will have a revolution and beat down my brain for ever fostering the thought.

I have cold toes. That doesn’t happen very often.

I was banned from touching the tv tonight. Earlier today I broke my stereo and then whenever I touched the tv the picture went away. No one else could do it. So I have been shunned, which sucks cause I really wanted to watch that one show.

2004-12-03T22:54:00.000-06:00

California.

2004-12-03T22:52:00.000-06:00

California.

2004-12-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

2004-12-03T22:44:00.000-06:00

California.

2004-12-03T22:42:00.000-06:00

California.

2004-12-03T18:54:00.000-06:00

This is my dad's "what the hell are you doing" look...

2004-12-03T18:50:00.000-06:00

Wednesday the 24th of November when it snowed.

2004-12-03T18:49:00.000-06:00

Wednesday the 24th of November when it snowed.

2004-12-03T18:46:00.000-06:00

Wednesday the 24th of November when it snowed.

2004-12-03T18:44:00.000-06:00

Wednesday the 24th of November when it snowed.

2004-12-03T18:41:00.000-06:00

Ninjaa(black kitty), Samurai (tan kitty) and Andy

2004-12-02T18:41:00.000-06:00

Ok, I am horrible and you all get to read about it. I am currently taking a break from my Dantean paper to just sit and let my mind return from the state of chaos. I did not attend karate and I am sure that I will hear about it. I had many things that I needed to work on so I chose to do those instead.

I think everyone is correct when they say that I am made of glass. It could be a possibility. Maybe I should quit all these martial arts styles. What brought this up you ask? Some how I have managed to bruise and pull a muscle in the heel of my foot. I also have a big bruise on the back of my hand near my thumb joint. Apparently I am a fistey soul with a weak body. I am not sure. If anyone has any ideas or thoughts to share I would be willing to hear them.

I never called Ron back like I said I would. People keep asking me about it. I just think it is a little weird. Cassie and Crissy were both there when I talked with him and they informed me that I had just been asked out on a date. I also had another reason for not calling him back. I’m not really into dating around. I think you should only date one person at a time. It’s just an opinion, but I do not like dating guys that date other girls. So I hold myself to that same standard. Only one boy at a time. I really should talk to Ron and find out if possibly everyone was wrong, but this is me side stepping the situation. This is me being avoidant. I guess you could also say this is me being a crappy friend. I hear I do that a lot though.

I’ve been wearing glasses all day and not a single person has noticed. I think that Joseph might possibly have noticed but just didn’t say anything, either that or he felt the need to keep staring. I also fell asleep for about ten minutes in my philosophy of religion class. That is so horrible, I think the teacher might not have noticed too much though. I feel like a moron.

I picked up a pitch so that I could look for photography exhibits and maybe I am just too tired or maybe there really weren’t any in there. I did not find anything though.

I was finishing up that scholarship information that I was working on and I realized that I skipped a big step and I more than likely will not be able to get it done by the deadline tomorrow. I need to get college faculty to write letters of recommendation about me. I need at least two by tomorrow. All that work for nothing. Pardon me while I cry.

I am going to go work on another paper now. This was fun, really.

2004-11-25T22:02:00.000-06:00

Wow, this week just keeps getting worse and worse. I mean there have been a few good things thrown in, but things are not working out for me. Let’s see, what are some of the good things.

Well I saw Cassie for a little bit. She ate with Crissy and I for a while. I talked to Ron. He currently works through karate but he was thinking about coming back for gung fu. Hopefully Brock and the grand master won’t be upset about that, I know that he isn’t their favorite person.

Um...so how about today? That was crazy and wild. Had two Thanksgivings already and then tomorrow I have to drive out to St. Louis. Which I am not looking forward to. Not only do I have to get up early and drive out there but I have to pray that my car will make it. My battery died last night and my dad came and jumped it. The battery was so dead that the car wouldn’t even click in an effort to turn over. It fired up just fine this morning though. I personally think that my car just hates me. I guess that is what I get for staying out so late in the cold.

I hurt all over. You know what? I have to get up early so I should probably go to bed.

2004-11-22T20:38:00.000-06:00

Today has just slowly gotten worse. I left photography because I was just fed up. Now I am stuck between the feeling of wanting to cry and wanting to throw up. See, when I try not to cry I grit my teeth and give myself a headache and I think the last time I ate was about thirteen hours ago. Oh, and that essay that I need for tomorrow. The HUGE one. Yeah, my draft is missing which means I need to start from scratch. I have film fixer burning the already sore cuts on my fingers. The roll of film that I finished today was ruined in photography tonight. None of the pictures turned out.

One of the guys that bought something from me on ebay sent me the wrong address to ship the item to. That was fun trying to figure that one out. Thankfully I know a few California zipcodes and so I just emailed and asked.

I am going to get something to eat.

If anyone is out and wants to hang out, call me.

2004-11-22T15:48:00.000-06:00

I am currently working on my draft that is due tomorrow. Can’t you tell?

In reality I am sitting here thinking about what I want to say and trying to get my finger to stop bleeding. That is going to be fun in photography tonight. So far it has been about five minutes and the bleeding hasn’t stopped so I put a band-aid on it. I am not sure what happened but you can see there is skin missing or something. Bleh.

We were talking about stereotypes in psychology today. The teacher started talking about what is the first thing you think of when you see a man in cowboy boots and overalls that is driving a truck. I personally did not speak up because the first thing that popped into my mind was the song “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy.” Not really a stereotype and not really something I need to share with the class. However, I cannot get that song out of my head now. It also makes me think of something else. *cough*slash*cough* Sounds like fun to me. Moving right along.

You know it is getting to be really cold and the TV was talking about a couple inches of snow in our near future. There are classes Wednesday and I am supposed to be going to St Louis on Friday. I really don’t want to. It is one of those times when I wish that someone would kidnap me just so I didn’t have to go. Then I feel really bad about it. You know the holidays have really sucked since my parents got divorced and they have to fight over holidays. My mother thinks she should have us over on all the holidays.

Danny told me one of the days that I went to karate that he saw Ron and that Ron was planing on coming back to class. I think if he did that would be great, but I will believe it when I see it. I do miss Ron though, we had a lot of fun times together.

I had to return GTA SA and that makes me sad. I have really been enjoying the game and playing it during the holidays when I have nothing better to do would have been great. I guess I lose once again. I should really just go out and buy the game. For a little while I will just be cheap I guess.

I need to finish off this roll of film and then go develop it. I also need to ask him what he thinks of my prints. Blah. Which is going to make me feel horrible tonight.

I just want to feel special.

2004-11-14T19:22:00.000-06:00

My email isn’t working. Well actually not my email, the people that I am trying to email have faulty email accounts. I keep getting back messages that say my email is going to be delayed for a few days. That is the weirdest thing I have ever heard of.

My mother was in town today so I saw her and gave her the present. She really loved it. She asked me what I wanted to do for the holidays and I told her I don’t know. She was thinking either I should come out to St Louis or she will come up to Grandpa’s. This going back and forth between parents thing really sucked before, but now she is married and moved. Blah.

I went out and rented the new Grand Theft Auto. I have played it a little and I am not really thrilled with it. I mean, first of more than anything I miss the old main character. Second the language has taken a dive for the worse, most of the conversation is just fuck and some filler words. Ok I know that we are trying to make it more real, but please I loved the last game and there was little language in it. I think they may have lost me on this one. I doubt I will buy it.

You know some things my mother does bother me. Like the fact that she constantly asks me if I have a boyfriend is trying to set me up with someone. It’s crazy and I don’t understand it at all. Well, I might understand it, I think she wants me to run off and get married. *~choke~* Uhh, no thanks. I’m really not into the marriage thing. I mean she is already on her second try at it. I am in no hurry to get divorced. I mean my Grandfather remarried something like five times. No thank you. I do not want to go through that. Plus I remember when he divorced Grandma. I remember when mom and dad got divorced. That’s a fresh burning memory. I remember one of the girls in my photography class talking about how she was working towards a degree but it didn’t really matter because all she wanted in life was to be barefoot and pregnant. What?! So you are throwing money away so you can spend the rest of your life depending on somebody to take care of you. No thanks to that option either.

My dad went out of town this weekend and he came back really late last night. While he was gone I snuck out some Christmas decorations from the basement and realized a new fear of mine. I am deathly afraid of heights. Who would have guessed? I never would have until I climbed up the ladder in the basement and lost my mind.

I need to order some new contacts this week. Blah. Plus I need to go study for my psychology test. I think I shall do that now.

2004-11-10T09:26:00.000-06:00

I am not sure what happened to my last entry but it has disappeared. I wrote about the grade that I received on my philosophy of religion test. Then about how I had finally enrolled. I wrote about being sick and not going to karate or gung fu. It is all trivial though. It means nothing to anyone but me. Since I wrote it and already knew it, the disappearance of the information really does not matter that much.

It is all a wonderment. I have been thinking a lot about many topics lately and I have come up with no answers just questions. I was thinking about what things used to be and how my life has come to this point. I did decide that I am unhappy with the way my life is now so I have to change it. I am not sure where the changes need to be made though. Which has left me wondering what to do. How to do it. It is all so crazy. You know on morning I wake up and my mother is married. This week she moved to St Louis. I have been trying to get a hold of my brother only to find that he has moved to New York and only told Mia. It is a major change that I am not ready to deal with. For some reason Bj doesn’t want to talk to me either. He won’t answer his calls and...I’m just lost. I saw Ami yesterday and she didn’t even notice me. I want to be a stronger person but I think I may lack something. There are so many trivial things in life that bother me, but the fact that they bother me carries a meaning. After I finish next semester I am done with my AA. I have finished one goal and it scares me a little. I am still not sure where to go from here. I don’t deal with change to well. I just feel alone. And the sad part is, I am. A few people may read that and reply about how they are here for me and such, but in the end can they honestly say that? No. It is comical to a certain point. I spent all my life surrounding myself with people and now they have all moved on and I have not. I haven’t grown up. I’m just a little girl and I am frightened by what is happening in my life. I am also very bitter about some of the events, or toward some of the people. They aren’t the people you would think though. These people would never guess who they are. I can’t write about the things that upset me for fear of someone reading it, or telling everyone else about it. I also never speak my mind until I am pushed. I hate that, and I could remedy that if I would just speak up, but I do not want to upset someone else. I have learned recently that is what happens.

I think the worst thing for me is my issue of trust. After everything in my family life, with my friends, and ex-boyfriends, I have learned not to trust anyone. I have learned to always question a persons motives, to never believe what they are saying, and to understand that everyone is fake. It’s a sad world I live in.

The whole thing with my mom worries me a bit too. She didn't want to move to St Louis. Something happened though and they ran off and got married and she is now living in St Louis. It makes me question what is going on. Did he do something or say something? Is something wrong? I am just worried about her. She is after all, my mother, no matter what has happened. That is another thing, Akane hurt my feelings a little while ago when she told me she really hated my mother. It upset me and I am still a little upset.

The middle of this post has been completely edited out because of content. With that said if someone really wants to hear all of the things that I wrote email me, but I warn you I will not censor anything so you may be really upset by what you read. Nuff said.

Now I need to eat something before I pass out or something. I feel so much better to have released all of that.

2004-11-08T15:46:00.000-06:00

Today has been touched up with a little bit of wonderful. I feel much better and I think that I may beat this after all. Go me!

I went to class a little early to return my library books and also to figure out what is up with Metrotouch. The answer, it’s a piece of crap here is another number that also does not work. Come on people! I only need three classes to graduate and so far I cannot even enroll in them. I would like the security of knowing that I have all of my classes as soon as possible.

My psychology teacher made my day a little better when she decided to tell us our papers are not due until the 24th and that our test will not be until next Monday. That little test that I was not wanting to study for this Wednesday just got moved to next week. Yes! Plus she let us out early once again. Which gives me a little bit of time to do some research helping me to get my paper done early. Yeaha!

Hopefully photography lecture will not be too awful tonight and we might get out early because the only thing we are covering is mounting. Plus I just need to keep that happy thought of this being our last lecture and then Mondays will be my lab. Today is looking good.

2004-11-07T21:15:00.000-06:00

Maybe it isn’t a bad choice. In fact in the end it could turn out to be a choice for the better. Right now I cannot tell. All I know is that from the present stand point it seems very rash and not thought out at all. Which is true on both counts. The only thing that really bugs me is that he won’t talk to me. He won’t answer my calls or call me back.

Sickness update. I feel and smell better (I took another shower today because I was cold). Other than that nothing has really changed. I think I have just come down with a little cold seeing as my symptoms have cleared a little. Now I just have to wait.

I hope tomorrow is as nice a day as today was. Looked at some pretty flowers. I realized that even in my sick state I am not exempt from getting hit on. It really is quite flattering.

Completely forgot half of the things I needed to get done today. Instead I enjoyed time in the sun cat-napping or playing GTA Vice City in a sun beam with the window open. It made for a wonderful day. Noticing that I will not have a lot of work to do this week also made me giddy.

I made some chilli yesterday that I thought was quite tasty. My father asked me why in the world I made it so spicy and I came to a realization, I like one spicy food. That is only on my terms though.

I want to go see Saw but it is a scary movie, which means that I know very few people who might want to go see it with me. Le sigh. Though I am still iffy on whether I want to watch it myself.

Mmm. I have a lot of things on my mind again...

Enrollment is tomorrow. I hope I get all the classes I want and that they don’t drop any of them of I am screwed.